I think it happens to lots of people.  You become so used to saying things gently and trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings that you stop saying how you honestly feel.  Why? Why are we so scared of hurting people’s feelings? Perhaps a better question — why are people’s feeling hurt by what WE have to say? Why does are opinion change or affect how someone else feels?

Realizing you were wrong

It’s no secret that I’m unsure of my relationship.  I really don’t know if this is the guy that I am willing to spend the rest of my life with.  I don’t know if there is ANY guy that I would feel that way about.  I’m sure it causes me to put undue pressure on the relationship, to be overly critical and overall “less happy”.

Over the last week, two of our “couple friends” have disclosed their relationship issues to us and both were doubting if they will make it.  One of these couples is already engaged.  The other couple moved in together after only a few months of dating — they are no longer living together or dating.

At one point in time, these people were happy. They thought the decisions they were making were the right ones and that their relationships were solid. They obviously don’t think so now.  They were obviously wrong.

My question is this: “How do you ever know?”

Followed by: “And when do you realize you were wrong?”

Forgotten emotions

Sometimes I hate dreams.  They can feel so real and awake emotions that would be better off dormant.  They can remind you of feelings that you’d long forgotten. 

Last night I had a dream about P.  It’s been about 2 and a half years since we were together and for the most part, I can say I’ve forgotten what it was like with him.  But in my dream last night, those forgotten feelings came pouring back. 
What was the dream about? I can only remember one thing — a hug.  When he hugged me, I never felt more in love… with anyone.  

I love J.  He’s been so good to me and really taught me the meaning of commitment and love.  But I know that I will never feel with him what I felt with P.  Does that mean I should be with P? Or that I shouldn’t be with J? I don’t think so.  P wouldn’t have made me happy.  I think J and I have a chance at that.

I wish I didn’t have that dream, though. Forgetting about P was hard enough the first time… I hope these awoken memories fade faster and easier.

Trade-off

Things are different now.  It might just be temporary, but I hope not.  I’m feeling like I don’t want to be without him… ever.  He’s making the effort – every day, in every area of our relationship.  I feel like he really loves me and wants to make me happy. 

He holds my hand when we sleep.

But starting to think that way is a little scary. 

I’ve found myself reflecting on my experiences before I met him.  I had a lot of fun, but 99% of it was fun you can’t have if you want to be in a long-term relationship.  There’s always a trade-off.  Sometimes I miss flirting… and dating… and kissing someone new for the first time.  Sometimes I want to be able to do those things again. 

There’s always a trade-off.

Mirage

For the last decade of my life, I feel like I’ve been searching for a destination… but each time I think I get there, I see that it’s actually a mirage… and I look ahead to the next one.  I know I’m not the only one who does this — there are a million quotes about “living each day as if it were your last” and “life is a journey, not a destination”.  What I can’t figure out is how to change the way I view things.  How do I stop and appreciate every precious moment I have?

I’ve started going to church again.  Well, if two Sundays  counts as “going”   In the past, I’ve had a negative view of church because I feel like people use it to “get into heaven” or they are hypocrites and think they can behave however they like, as long as they ask for forgiveness.  I also don’t like the exclusion around sexual orientation, among other things.  BUT, the church I’ve been going to is very “open”, for lack of a better word. They have not said anything that made me feel uncomfortable being there… so that’s a start.

I guess I’m hoping to see that there is more to life than just the day to day tasks that occupy most of my time. 

Our office building is conducting a fire drill… it’s really loud.

Discomfort

There is this strange feeling in my body that I can’t quite pin-point.  The closest thing I can use to describe it is discomfort.  I feel uncomfortable all the time.  Maybe my clothes are too tight or my hair is too long.  I actually want some clippers right now – I really think I might use them to shave my head.  I know I would regret it.  A friend of mind told me that my hair was my trademark.  I completely disagree, but someone else sees it that way.

I HAVE to start getting something done at work. Like NOW.

lost

I can’t believe that people die.  Everyday people die.   As I go about my daily life, oblivious to the pain, saddness and suffering of others, someone’s life comes to an end… someone grieves the loss of a friend.  I don’t understand death.  Because of that, I don’t understand life.

How do I open my eyes?  Why do I live as if I will never die?

What the fuck is going on??? I am so lost.

Messed up

I don’t think he’ll ever walk away from me.  I’m not sure why.  I don’t think I deserve his loyalty because I have not been so loyal.  I’ve been willing to walk away more than once.  They weren’t threats.  I wasn’t bluffing.  Maybe that’s why he’s never doubted me – he can tell I’ve been willing to leave.

I’m not sure how it happened, but somewhere along on the line… in the last 10 years or so, I’ve become messed up.  Nothing tramatic has happened to me to mess me up, so it’s hard for me to understand how I became this way.  Maybe it has been the number of married men that have tried to hook up with me.  Maybe it was the guy in first year who dumped me right after I slept with him.  It could have even been all the time I spent in the party scene, where 95% of the guys are the “wrong kind” or at least they are in THAT particular atmosphere.  

I really don’t know why I’m messed up.  What I DO know is that I truly believe every guy has the potential to be one of “those guys”.  Even him… my love.  Even him.

I’ve promised myself I won’t be one of those naive people who thinks that love is enough… who thinks that the person they are with is not capable of hurting them… the person they are with is not motivated by sex.  No one can know what kind of terrible things they are capable of… not even me.

Admit it

Don’t question it. It makes you feel like shit and it doesn’t solve anything. It’s pointless. It serves only to make you more confused and troubled than you already are.

The alternative? Go with it. Take a deep breath. Relax. It’s harder than it sounds.

I think most people know the answers to their “questions”.  The reason they solicit the opinions of others is because they don’t like the answer they know, deep down, is right.  This is one of my flaws. 

Falling

I’m scared of falling.  I’m tall and I have a size 6 shoe, so NOT falling has always been a challenge for me.  It prevents me from enjoying things like rollerblading… or walking. 

Yesterday I was biking home in the snow (yes, it snowed!) and my front tire slipped into a railroad groove (now I understand why there is a sign before the tracks saying “Please dismount bicycles when crossing tracks“) and I bailed… HARD.  It was a bit of shock — due to a conscious effort on my part, I haven’t fallen that hard in a long time!  I landed on my left hip and shoulder and I ripped my new sweater.  It sucked.  I’m quite sore today.

I don’t know how those people on Jackass can continue to do the crap they do… falling sucks.