I don’t think he’ll ever walk away from me. I’m not sure why. I don’t think I deserve his loyalty because I have not been so loyal. I’ve been willing to walk away more than once. They weren’t threats. I wasn’t bluffing. Maybe that’s why he’s never doubted me – he can tell I’ve been willing to leave.
I’m not sure how it happened, but somewhere along on the line… in the last 10 years or so, I’ve become messed up. Nothing tramatic has happened to me to mess me up, so it’s hard for me to understand how I became this way. Maybe it has been the number of married men that have tried to hook up with me. Maybe it was the guy in first year who dumped me right after I slept with him. It could have even been all the time I spent in the party scene, where 95% of the guys are the “wrong kind” or at least they are in THAT particular atmosphere.
I really don’t know why I’m messed up. What I DO know is that I truly believe every guy has the potential to be one of “those guys”. Even him… my love. Even him.
I’ve promised myself I won’t be one of those naive people who thinks that love is enough… who thinks that the person they are with is not capable of hurting them… the person they are with is not motivated by sex. No one can know what kind of terrible things they are capable of… not even me.
